Hai că nu e totul doom & gloom. Pataphyl şi Israelianca au motive de optimism.
Pataphyl: Munca pe bani
Toată lumea cunoaște TEOREMA SALARIULUI, care spune că inginerii și oamenii de știință nu pot NICIODATĂ să cîștige la fel ca oamenii de afaceri și comercianții.
Aceasta teoremă poate,în sfîrșit, să fie demonstrată prin rezolvarea unei ecuații matematice simple:
Ecuația noastră se bazează pe două postulate foarte cunoscute:
Postulatul nr.1 : Cunostințele înseamna Putere
Postulatul nr.2 : Timpul înseamnă Bani
Orice inginer știe că : Puterea = Muncă / Timp
(Putere = Muncă/Timp) & (Cunoașterea = Putere) =>
Cunoașterea = Muncă / (Timp = Bani) => Cunoaștere = Muncă / Bani => (cf. regula de trei simplă)
Bani = Muncă / Cunoștințe
Din formulă, prin aplicarea condițiilor la limite (0 și – respectiv – ∞) obținem:
lim(cunoștințe-> 0) Bani = ∞
lim(cunoștințe -> ∞) Bani = 0
în condițiile în care constanta Muncă este oricît de mică sau de mare.
Cînd Cunostințele tind spre zero, Banii tind către infinit, oricare ar fi valoarea atribuită Muncii, aceasta putînd fi foarte slabă.
Invers, cînd Cunostințele tind spre infinit, Banii tind spre zero, chiar dacă valoarea Muncii este ridicată.
De unde următoarea concluzie, evidentă: Cu cît cunoasteți mai puțin, cu atît mai mulți bani veti cîștiga.
P.S. : Cei dintre Dvs. care au avut unele dificultăți în a intelege raționamentul de mai sus vor trebui sa fie cel mai bine remunerați …
Israelianca: Mesaj al Majestatii Sale Regina Elisabeta a II-a catre americani
Subject: To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
———— ——— —
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’ ).
———— ——— —
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
———— ——— –
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
———— ——— –
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Pataphyl: A Norman Rockwell moment
These are possibly the 5 best sentences you’ll ever read:
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
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